“THAT NEVER HAPPENED.” “YOU ARE REMEMBERING THAT WRONG.” “STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC.” “I’M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY.”
Have you ever been in a discussion or argument and the other person throws out a statement similar to the above? That is a red flag of gaslighting. Their intention? To dismantle the validity of your point of view and perception of reality.
Gaslighting is a manipulation technique that can intentionally or subconsciously make a person question their own sanity or downplay a person's legitimate concerns as overreactions or hysteria.
ORIGINS OF THE TERM “GASLIGHTING”
The term is derived from the title of the 1944 film “Gaslight” in which Charles Boyer's character tries to make Ingrid Bergman's character believe she is going insane so that he can have her institutionalized in a plot to steal her family heirlooms. This tactic can be used in political or medical contexts. However, it usually involves people in a close trusted dynamic such as a romantic or business relationship in which one person can benefit by disempowering the other.
Gaslight, 1944
This 1944 film is the origin of the term. Actors Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman.
HOW GASLIGHTING MAKES US QUESTIONS REALITY
The gaslighter may accuse the other person of lying, misremembering facts or events, or being confused. They may repeatedly dismiss the concerns of the victim as irrelevant or unimportant. They may simply refuse to listen to them. Over time, this repeated dehumanizing can cause the victim to question reality as they attempt to sort out what they said, felt, or saw vs. what the gaslighter tells them happened. As a result, the victim may have trouble making decisions, feel confused or anxious often, or feel guilty for being “too sensitive.”
In romantic relationships, the abuse may escalate to other forms of controlling behavior that make it harder for the person being gaslit to call out the abuser.
In business or political relationships, gaslighting techniques are often used to avoid accountability. When confronted, a gaslighter will sometimes deflect blame back to the subject by using phrases such as “I'm sorry you feel that way,” in order to avoid admitting wrongdoing. It sounds harmless enough but is effective in shutting down further discussion that would actually address the underlying problems.
Business, cultural, or political leaders who find themselves using this tactic should question their intent and ask themselves how they might be able to actually find a solution to the concerns of employees or constituents by engaging in meaningful, egalitarian dialogue.
RED FLAGS THAT MIGHT INDICATE GASLIGHTING
If any of the below resonate with you, it may indicate gaslighting has occurred. On the other hand, this can also raise awareness about your own participation in gaslighting another person.
You often apologize without knowing what you did wrong.
The gaslighter interprets your actions and words in ways that you did not intend. They often tell you you don't know what you are talking about or that you must be confused or mistaken.
You feel like you can't do anything right in the eyes of the person in question.
You have trouble making decisions and second-guess yourself often.
You make excuses for the abusive person's behavior and lie to friends or family to protect them. You convince yourself you are just being “too sensitive” and that the abuse isn't a big deal.
WHAT TO DO IN GASLIGHTING SITUATIONS If you find yourself in a situation in which you feel you are being gaslit, and challenging or questioning the perpetrator only results in escalation or more gaslit, there are some things you can do to start to extricate yourself from the source of the abuse and begin to recover. Recovering from extensive gaslighting involves regaining confidence in your perception of reality and your ability to make independent decisions.
Stand up for yourself when your reality is questioned. One way to get used to believing in yourself again is to document. Keep a journal of interactions and experiences with your gaslighter so that you can better understand the truth, and come back to it later when conflicts arise.
When talking with your abuser, have a sense of purpose and intent. Know what you'd like to convey ahead of time, and don't let the conversation be derailed. If the gaslighter changes the topic, steer them back to the topic at hand to make sure you get your points across. If they keep deflecting, disengage from the conversation and walk away.
Document the abuse if possible. You can use cell phone video, photo, or voice recordings to record conversations and then email them to a friend just in case they are deleted from your device.
Additionally, here are some things you can say in conversation to shut down a person who is attempting to gaslight you:
"My feelings and reality are valid. I don't appreciate you telling me that I am being too sensitive."
"Don't tell me how to feel or how I remember things."
"I am allowed to explore these topics and conversations with you. Do not tell me I am being dramatic."
"I will not continue this conversation if you continue to minimize what I am feeling."
It's also important to talk about your experiences to trusted friends and family. They can help to validate that the abuse is actually happening. Your support system can also help you not to be so hard on yourself and ease guilty feelings that are a leftover product of the gaslighting.
Seeing a therapist may also help you process those feelings and become more confident.
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